Wander Lust

Dear Bloggers,

Today I have wander lust, you know, that feeling you get when you want to pack up your whole life into a storage unit and take off. I know basically it's running away, running from the things you don't want to face, the hurt you don't want to feel, and the people you can't seem to deal with. It takes courage to do it, I don't have it. I can't even eat at a restaurant by myself for the mere fear that someone will be watching me with pity. That's very vain I know. I know a lot of things about me, I know that sometimes I want to run and never look back again. I know that yes I can leave people easily, cut them out of my life easily, but forget them is something I can not do so easily.

I know also that everyone has these days, these days of wondering is this really my life? Shouldn't I be searching along with those other courageous souls who took off in search of better? I know that I am also a home body, an old soul, a conservative. I need a place to call home, and I also know that wherever I go I make a little home for myself. And those are the times I think to myself, what are they all searching for? After all don't we all watch the same sunrise, the same sunset; wish on the same moon, and see the same shooting stars, no matter where we are? Why is it that I am constantly searching for something. Peace? God? Both? Maybe, maybe I'm the type of person that will never be happy in one place for long. I like change, I like new, I like adventure. Maybe that makes me a little bit selfish, I think we are all just a little bit selfish sometimes.

Most days I am happy, but I don't want to be happy just most days, I long to be happy all days. I know this is also a foolish notion of mine. (Which I have quite a few of) I know that I feel too much, think too much, worry too much. Sometimes I myself am just too much, something which I know to be true because people have told me. Maybe I want to wander away from myself, or at least the self that I know right now, but who knows, in 10 years I may want to wander away from the self I have become. Nothing in life is a guarantee and happiness comes from within, these are things I know too. Still doesn't change the fact that today I have wander lust and if I could muster up the courage bloggers, today I would run. Would I regret it tomorrow? Possibly; but today it would feel good.

-R

Hospitals and Airports

Good Morning,

It felt like a blog kind of morning so blog I will. Today my relatives from Italy are leaving, I hate the leaving part. (who really likes it?) I've determined that hospitals and airports are both places of extreme happiness and extreme sadness. This could be why I do not like either. Don't get me wrong both hospitals and airports are great for people watching, but I'm not talking about watching people, I'm talking about emotions (I know, surprise, surprise). People die and give birth in hospitals and depending on which you are getting that day, can make hospitals joyful and exciting or sad and tragic. Same for Airports, I will say this, when I'm going to see Drew, I LOVE THE AIRPORT, because it's fun and exciting and an adventure awaits, but boy do I dread pulling up to the airport on the return voyage. Yes I'm that girl standing in the security line bawling my eyes out, and no you can't judge me.

Airports and hospitals are too fickle for me, you can't really say to either, "this is my happy place"-unless you are on Grey's Anatomy or a wonderful Doctor (god bless you). This is perhaps why I will never work in a hospital, I don't know how to feel there, should I be happy because there are so many cute babies? Or should I feel sad because people are dying at a constant rate around me? No thank you, not for me. I will settle for my lovely corner pharmacy where the crazies can come to yell at me about their medication, because I know how to feel there...PISSED. But alas it is my happy place.

On another note, I graduate in 268 days, it blows my mind whenever I think about it. And of course every time I do think about it, that beautiful little question sneaks in "What's to become of me??" (My fair lady?...Anyone?) I will no longer be a student and right now I'm not sure I know how to be anything but a student (except a pretty good cook).

Well I guess that's all for this morning, it was a bunch of ramblings I know. Stay tuned for next time on "the random thoughts in Rosa's head".

-R

Clean Slate

Well Bloggers,

It's been a while, I've decided to upgrade the blog and delete all the old posts. A clean slate if you will, in my cathartic process. It's August, you know, the beloved back to school time. Excitement is in the air, there is a sense of nervousness for the big first day. I'm glad to say that this year I will not be joining in with that particular feeling. It's my last year of school probably ever, and I'm really not even going to classes any longer.

It's a strange feeling knowing that I have only 275 days left before I graduate. I can't help to think of what will come next? Joining the real world is probably the scariest thing right now. I literally just signed up for a 401 K today...who does that? I feel that the world of "college and irresponsibility" is slowly escaping me and the world of "let's pay your school loans and get a real job" is rapidly approaching.

I'm going to be honest, I had kind of a rough year this past year. I'm hoping that this last and final year will make up for it. With a boyfriend moving 3,000 miles away, trying to pass all my classes, dealing with the fact that my family forbids me to move 3,000 miles away; I've had my fair share of white hairs and tears. I'm in the process of a complete catharsis. I'm trying to eliminate all the negative out of my life and focus on the good. I have plenty of faults, and yes I've pushed people away, I've burned bridges, I didn't keep in touch, and I didn't reach out a hand when I should have. I could have done better and I could have done a lot worse. I'm only human and I know myself and I know I have a hard time dealing with life. Sometimes I become "the ostrich" and bury my head in a hole until I can figure my life out. Haven't we all done that?

I'm just very thankful that I am blessed with people in my life that love me and deal with me during times when I can't even deal with me.

Well...it's a start! Stay tuned for further ramblings.

-R