Today I have wander lust, you know, that feeling you get when you want to pack up your whole life into a storage unit and take off. I know basically it's running away, running from the things you don't want to face, the hurt you don't want to feel, and the people you can't seem to deal with. It takes courage to do it, I don't have it. I can't even eat at a restaurant by myself for the mere fear that someone will be watching me with pity. That's very vain I know. I know a lot of things about me, I know that sometimes I want to run and never look back again. I know that yes I can leave people easily, cut them out of my life easily, but forget them is something I can not do so easily.
I know also that everyone has these days, these days of wondering is this really my life? Shouldn't I be searching along with those other courageous souls who took off in search of better? I know that I am also a home body, an old soul, a conservative. I need a place to call home, and I also know that wherever I go I make a little home for myself. And those are the times I think to myself, what are they all searching for? After all don't we all watch the same sunrise, the same sunset; wish on the same moon, and see the same shooting stars, no matter where we are? Why is it that I am constantly searching for something. Peace? God? Both? Maybe, maybe I'm the type of person that will never be happy in one place for long. I like change, I like new, I like adventure. Maybe that makes me a little bit selfish, I think we are all just a little bit selfish sometimes.
Most days I am happy, but I don't want to be happy just most days, I long to be happy all days. I know this is also a foolish notion of mine. (Which I have quite a few of) I know that I feel too much, think too much, worry too much. Sometimes I myself am just too much, something which I know to be true because people have told me. Maybe I want to wander away from myself, or at least the self that I know right now, but who knows, in 10 years I may want to wander away from the self I have become. Nothing in life is a guarantee and happiness comes from within, these are things I know too. Still doesn't change the fact that today I have wander lust and if I could muster up the courage bloggers, today I would run. Would I regret it tomorrow? Possibly; but today it would feel good.
-R
No comments:
Post a Comment